Tag: humor

Apr 03 2021

The Offbeat Almanac – April 2021

April 1 is, of course, April Fools Day, but did you know it is also One Cent Day? Today we celebrate the history and origin of the penny. Today is also the day that Oliver Pollack is said to have invented the dollar sign. Given the current worth of a dollar, I’d say these two days go together perfectly!

April 2 is Children’s Book Day. Today celebrates the birth of Hans Christian Andersen and encourages reading in children. (Man, it sure is dark in here!) Today is also a great excuse to buy Benedict the Golden Dragon by Yours Truly! (A little shameless self promotion there)

April 3 celebrates Chocolate Mousse Day! I’m not sure why anyone would caribou this holiday, but hey, if you want to feed chocolate to a moose, be my guest. Just make sure you have some elk-a-seltzer on hand in case he gets indigestion!

April 4 is Walk Around Things Day. This can be interpreted a number of different ways – metaphorically to walk around a conflict or issue you simply don’t want to deal with, or literally to walk around an object in your way. Personally, this will be a welcome change from my usual “Walk Into Things Day”.

April 5 is a holiday I can definitely support! Today is National Deep Dish Pizza Day! Today also happens to be Go For Broke Day. You can celebrate both of these holidays by pulling out all the stops and sending your favorite columnist a coupon for a year of free deep dish pizza!

April 6 is on the more unusual side with Plan Your Epitaph Day. Sure, it sounds morbid, but in reality it’s a very grave situation. Do you really want your headstone full of some drivel that doesn’t reflect who you really are? Mine’s going to say “It seemed like a good idea at the time…”

April 7 is the perfect excuse to ignore that unfolded laundry or that dishwasher that needs unloading. It’s No Housework Day! Celebrate by ignoring the normal household chores while you binge watch your favorite Netflix show and eat leftovers from Deep Dish Pizza Day.

April 8 is Zoo Lovers Day! Take the day off from your normal responsibilities to visit your local zoo. Just make sure you have your vaccination records. It was so awkward last time when they tried to keep you.

April 9 is Name Yourself Day! Think your given name is dull or wish your parents had chosen something different? You’re in luck! Today you can pick a new name for yourself and make everyone refer to you that way. You can now call me “The Funniest Columnist in the World.”

April 10 is a bit less obscure with National Siblings Day. Show your sibling(s) how much you car by taking the time to call your brother or sister and engage in a rousing rendition of “I know you are, but what am I?” Or, if you live locally, drop by and play the “Stop hitting yourself” game. Keep in mind, however, you’re never too old for your mom to send you to your room!

April 11 combines three holidays with Eight Track Tape Day, Barbershop Quartet Day, and National Pet Day. I suggest celebrating with your pet by listening to 8 track tapes of barbershop quartet music!

April 12 is Grilled Cheese Sandwich Day. Fun fact: melting cheese on top of food has been a tradition since Roman times. Grilled cheese sandwiches, however, did not become popular until the late 1920’s. Perhaps the invention of sliced bread had something to do with this? Celebrate by enjoying your favorite grilled cheese sandwich.

April 13 is Plant Appreciation Day. I confess, I don’t have any plants, so I wouldn’t know if they
feel appreciated or not. In case you’re worried about your own plants, however, I suggest observing this holiday by going around and telling them how much you appreciate them. If you’re still worried, you can always call in a Horticultural Therapist.

April 14 is Look Up At The Sky Day. Today, take a moment to soak in the sun and look up at the fresh Spring sky. Just keep your mouth closed or you might find yourself observing “Pigeon Poops In Your Mouth Day!”

April 15 is unfortunately, going to suck. It’s National That Sucks Day. Perhaps not so coincidentally, today is also Titanic Remembrance Day and, of course, Tax Day. Man, that really does suck!

April 16 is the perfect excuse to head to work in the ultimate casual wear! It’s Wear Your Pajamas to Work Day. When your boss asks why you’re wearing Batman footie PJs, you can point her to this column. I suggest skipping this holiday if you happen to be one who sleeps in the nude!

April 17 is Bat Appreciation Day. Why do all these things feel so unappreciated? Do we have a self-esteem pandemic in plants and animals?! Nonetheless, visit the bat house at the zoo and tell all the bats you appreciate them. Just do it from a distance, you never know which one is the vampire bat!

April 18 is Columnist Day. Show your favorite columnist how much you care by sending a few words of appreciation. Or a pizza. Either one works, really.

Apr 19 is National Garlic Day! Garlic has been known throughout history for it’s health benefits. Athletes in ancient Greece used it as a performance enhancement drug. Egyptian soldiers used it for courage in battle, and Buffy used it to ward off Spike. Fun fact, it’s also commonly used to ward off unwanted suitors. I’d stake my life on it!

Apr 20 is the perfect day if you have an identical twin. No, it’s not Twin’s Day, it’s Look Alike Day! Find your evil doppelgänger and confuse your friends! Just don’t be surprised when the bodies start piling up. After all, what do you expect from someone who is known to be evil?

April 21 is National High Five Day! Give everyone you meet today a high-five! Might be a good idea to warn them first so you don’t high five their face. People generally don’t react well to that.

April 22 is possibly the best holiday there is! (I know, I say that about a lot of holidays, but I mean it this time!) It’s National Jelly Bean Day! Granted, now that Easter has uh passed over, it’s harder to find good jelly beans, but I feel certain if anyone can do it, you can. Get rid of the licorice ones though. Those things are gross!

April 23 is National Zucchini Bread Day. If you are a particular fan of zucchini bread, then I suppose this holiday is for you. Personally, however, I’m not really a zucchini lover. In fact, I’d be happy if someone squashed this holiday.

April 24 seems like it can’t really be a holiday, and yet, my sources tell me it is New Kids on the Block Day! Unfortunately, this does indeed refer to the boy band and not to having new people move into your neighborhood. If you celebrate today, my condolences. If not, celebrate your good taste today!

April 25 is Tuxedo Day! Alright, it’s actually World Penguin Day, but close enough. Penguins are fun water fowl found exclusively in the Southern Hemisphere and, being good Southerners, they’re well known for their love of crawfish and chitlins. OK, not really, but, bless your heart, I had you going!

April 26 marks another one of my favorite holidays with Hug an Australian Day! You’re probably sitting there thinking “I don’t know any Australians, how can I celebrate this auspicious day?” Well, I’m here to tell you there are any number of Aussies in society to choose from: Hugh Jackman, Cate Blanchett, and Chris Hemsworth to name a few. Hug them all! Just don’t count on me for bail money.

April 27 is Tell A Story Day and to celebrate, I’m going to tell you an amazing story! Once Upon A Time there was a brilliant columnist who wrote really funny articles, but was grossly under appreciated by her readers. The readers were sorry and sent the columnist jelly beans (just not those gross ones!), and they all lived Happily Ever After! The end.

April 28 is Great Poetry Reading Day. Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I love pizza, how about you? OK even I can admit that was sad. Instead, I suggest celebrating with a viewing of the 2009 White House Poetry Reading Jam. Bonus points for a baby faced Lin-Manuel Miranda introducing the world to an early rendition of everyone’s obsession, Hamilton the Musical.

April 29 is one for the cat owners out there. It’s Hairball Awareness Day! I don’t know about the rest of you, but I really don’t need a holiday to make me aware of hairballs. When my cat has a hairball, people five counties over know it! Still, on this day, we acknowledge your hairball and wish we didn’t have to clean it up!

April 30 is Honesty Day! Today was invented as a direct counterpart of April Fools Day. The idea was that since the first day of the month is dedicated entirely to falsehoods, the end of the month should be dedicated to telling the truth. Honestly? I think someone just ran out of April holidays.

Feb 27 2021

The Offbeat Almanac – March 2021

The month of March has some wonderful and not so wonderful holidays. As a month, March is host to National Frozen Food Month (frozen pizza anyone?), National Nutrition Month (one of these things is not like the other) and National Peanut Month (what, are they trying to kill me??)

It is also host to some fun and different daily holidays.

March 1 is another holiday of spreading good will and cheer to others with World Compliment Day. As you go about your day, tell someone how much you admire their style or talent. While we’re on the topic of compliments, might I say you look very nice today, Mrs. Cleaver?

March 2 is Old Stuff Day or as I like to call it “Be Nice to My Husband Day!” Celebrate by clearing out some old clutter. But don’t clear out your spouse, they fall under “vintage”. Besides, you’d just have to break in someone new.

March 3 is a scary one for the pet owners. Today is What If Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day! Can you imagine? Dogs might be acceptable, but if cats gained opposable thumbs, we’d all be toast!

March 4 is Grammar Day. On this day I’d like to advocate for the Oxford Comma. The following snippet from an actual news article shows why the Oxford Comma is important: “…highlights of his global tour include encounters with Nelson Mandela, an 800 year old demigod and a dildo collector.”

March 5 is World Book Day! Celebrate by heading over to my Literary Junkie column and picking up a copy of the book I reviewed!

March 6 is Dress in Blue Day. Fun fact: owls are the only bird that can see the color blue. Well, except for the Louisiana state bird, the mosquito, which is attracted to blue twice as much as any other color.

March 7 is cereal day! The first cold breakfast cereal was invented in the U.S. in 1863, which is about the expiration date on that carton of milk you forgot to empty.

March 8 is Unique Names Day. North West, Buzz Michelangelo Fletcher, and Moon Unit Zappa should all feel at home on this day!

March 9 may incite fear and mayhem with Panic Day. Fear not, however as it is also False Teeth Day. Just pop those pearly whites back in your mouth, and the fear and mayhem should subside.

March 10 happens to be one of my favorite holidays – Popcorn Lover’s Day. If you ask me, there’s not much better than a bucket full of movie popcorn with tons of fake buttery topping. Except when it falls on the floor, and you find yourself weighing the five second rule. That part sucks.

March 11 is National Eat Your Noodles Day. If you’re a poor college student, celebrating this day should be simple. Microwave some ramen and voila! If you’re a Canadian university student, the equivalent of this would be ketchup and Kraft dinner.

March 12 sounds like a fun day with Genealogy Day! Fun genealogy fact: nearly everyone with European or Asian ancestry carries between 1-4 percent Neanderthal DNA. Perhaps not surprising, Ozzy Osbourne is in the 4 percent category. Maybe that explains the bat biting?

March 13 could save your life. It’s Check Your Batteries Day. Today is a good day to make sure the batteries on your smoke or carbon monoxide detector are in working order. It’s also a good idea to make sure the batteries on things like your iPod are charged. Can you imagine the horror if you got out someplace and your iPod was dead?! The very thought gives me the chills!

March 14 as we all know is National Pi Day (3/14), but more importantly it is National Potato Chip Day! Legend has it that a finicky customer at Moon’s Lake House in Saratoga Springs kept complaining that the fries were too thick. George Crum, the head chef, kept slicing them thinner until finally they were little more than a thin crisp. Thus the Saratoga Chip was born. The famous finicky customer? None other than Cornelius Vanderbilt. It’s all folklore to be sure but still a fun tale to tell over say a basket of chips.

March 15 is True Confessions Day. In the spirit of the holiday, I present two truths and a lie: 1) I’ve visited 49 of the 50 states. 2) I’ve never seen The Wizard of Oz and 3) I love snakes!

March 16 is Everything You Do is Right Day! No matter what you do today, you can’t go wrong, because as the day says, everything you do is right. So get out there, be bold! Don’t be afraid of making a mistake because today, you can’t. Unless I’m wrong, in which case things suddenly got awkward.

March 17 is Submarine Day. My research wasn’t clear on whether today commemorates the hero sandwich or the boat. Just to cover my bases, I think I’ll sit inside a submarine, eating a hero sandwich while listening to “Yellow Submarine.”

March 18 gives you an excuse for those moments in which you say the wrong thing at just the wrong moment, or you pause too long after a question, or maybe you trip on your shoelaces and fall down the stairs. Tell everyone that you are celebrating Awkward Moments Day, and revel in the fact that now the moment is awkward for them!

March 19 is Poultry Day! Don’t chicken out on celebrating today, or you’ll end up with egg on your face!

March 20 is Extraterrestrial Abductions Day! Catch up on the return of the X-Files, binge watch Roswell, reminisce with 3rd Rock from the Sun! Oh, and watch out for grey men with probes.

March 21 is Credit Card Reduction Day. You can celebrate by reducing the debt on my credit card. Don’t worry, I won’t mind!

March 22 presents the perfect excuse to play hooky and go to the park to throw a frisbee with a dog. Or for sitting around doing nothing! It’s National Goof Off Day! When your boss questions why you didn’t come to work today, point them to this column. On second thought, leave me out of it. I don’t like your boss anyway.

March 23 is Near Miss Day! On this day in history in 1989, a large asteroid missed the Earth by a mere 500 thousand miles. In astronomical terms, that’s pretty darned close. Celebrate by checking out my review of The Last Policeman from August of 2014.

March 24 is Tuberculosis Day! Consumption be done about it? Of cough, of cough! But it’ll take a lung lung time!

March 25 is the perfect opportunity to pull out your Middle Earth Maps and your Rune to English Dictionary for Tolkien Reading Day! Check out the Orcs of New York Facebook page for some insight on what’s happening since Frodo and the gang tossed that pesky ring!

March 26 is Make Up Your Own Holiday Day, or as I like to call it “My Husband Brings Me Breakfast in Bed Day! See what I did there? Now it’s your turn.

March 27 is Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day! I’m not sure there’s actually a Spotify list for today’s celebrations, but I’m certain you can create one. Get started with “Drop Kick Me Jesus Through The Goalpost of Life” or “I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral.” Oh and don’t forget “I’d Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy!”

March 28 is Something on a Stick Day. I’m not entirely certain how to celebrate such a broad holiday. I think I’ll start with a corn dog, move on to a Fudgesicle for dessert, and then wash it all down with some Tums and a strong case of regret!

March 29 is a day for illusions with Smoke and Mirrors Day! Learn a magic trick or two (start small – save the sawing your sibling in half for the experts!) Or if you prefer a more literary approach in your celebrations, read Neil Gaiman’s Smoke and Mirrors!

March 30 is Niagara Falls Runs Dry Day! On this day in 1848, ice blockages stopped the flow of water to the falls. Chaos and mayhem ensued with people repenting their sins as Judgement Day approached. I’m not sure why we celebrate this. Sounds like it’s about as much fun as going over – oh wait, nevermind.

March 31 is Bunsen Burner Day! Today celebrates the birth of Robert Wilhelm Eberhard von Bunsen who invented you guessed it, the Bunsen Burner. I’ll refrain from making any chemistry puns (as I do periodically) because I’m afraid they won’t get a good reaction.

Feb 01 2021

The Offbeat Almanac – February 2021

February 1 You remember that chocolate cake that you were supposed to make last week? Well today you can redeem yourself by celebrating Decorate With Candy Day! Hint: I like those red hot sugary candies the best!

February 2 Of course everyone knows that today is Groundhog Day, but did you know that it’s also Marmot Day? Admittedly groundhogs are actually in the Marmot genus, but you know how it is. Marmot always said there’d be days like this!

February 3 is known as The Day the Music Died. On this date in 1959, Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and The Big Bopper died in a plane crash. Commemorate by pulling out some old LP’s and listening to “Peggy Sue”. If your response to this is “What’s an LP”, then allow me to refer you back to Curmudgeon Day.

February 4 is Stuffed Mushroom Day! I don’t like mushrooms, but I do like jokes, so in honor of this day, I’ll tell you my best mushroom joke. “Why was the mushroom stuffed? I don’t know, maybe he ate too much at the party! After all, he’s quite a fungi!” Thank you, I’ll be here all month.

February 5 is Weatherman’s Day! In honor of this day, and continuing the theme of Stuffed Mushroom Day, I give you my best weatherman joke. “Why did the weatherman bring a bar of soap to work? He was predicting showers!”

February 6 is Ice Cream for Breakfast Day! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Eating whatever you want whenever you want is the most important part of being an adult. Combine these two important elements, and celebrate by eating ice cream for breakfast!

February 7 is a great day to show someone you’re thinking of them with Send a Card to a Friend Day. They’ll really love you if you make it an empty black American Express card!

February 8 Go fly a kite! No, really, do it because today is Kite Flying Day! Just don’t tie a key to it and stand out in a rain storm. For one thing, it’s illegal. For another, Mythbusters tried it and demonstrated that it would kill you. You don’t want to be responsible for ruining a national holiday, do you?

February 9 is Extraterrestrial Culture Day. From Doctor Who and E.T. to Men in Black, celebrate by streaming some of your favorite extraterrestrial media. You never know, your neighbor could be an alien in hiding! Word on the street is several prominent politicians are lizard people. When you think about it, this would actually explain a lot!

February 10 is Plimsoll Day! What’s a plimsoll you ask? It’s basically a beach shoe made out of canvas with a rubber sole. A common example of a plimsoll is the famous Chuck Taylor All-Star Converse. Who knew something so cool had such a weird name? Fun fact: I’m wearing my Chucks as I write this column! Photographic proof available via Twitter.

February 11 We’ve all heard the expression “There’s no sense crying over spilled milk.” Today that expression comes to fruition with Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day! Honestly though, if I had a cookie and a heaping tall glass of chocolate milk, and the milk spilled, I think I would probably cry.

February 12 is Darwin Day which commemorates the birthday of Charles Darwin, author of On the Origin of Species. Celebrate this day, or I’ll be a monkey’s aunt. Hmm, that doesn’t quite have the same ring, does it?

February 13 Yes, of course today is Valentine’s Day Eve, but it’s also Get A Different Name Day. Perhaps you’ve just realized you forgot to make those dinner reservations for tomorrow. If so, today is an excellent opportunity to change your name! You can call me Stormageddon Dark Lord of All.

February 14 is a day for hearts, flowers, and sweethearts. It’s also a terrific opportunity to show you care in a different less conventional way. Today is Donor Day. Hospitals and blood banks are always in need of blood donors. Even if your blood type is negative, I’m positive your help is needed!

February 15 is Hippo Day! The Hippopotamus is an under appreciated animal. Hippos are the third largest land mammal, can run up to about 30 kilometers per hour, and are actually most closely related to whales and porpoises. You don’t want a hippopotamus for Christmas though – they take up way too much room. Besides, do you know how much a hippo eats? Actually not much – only about 11 kilograms a day.

February 16 is Innovation Day. Speaking of innovation, why don’t we have transporter beams yet? Celebrate Innovation Day by building a functional transporter beam. You’ll be filty rich and have my eternal gratitude!

February 17 reminds us all to be kind with Random Acts of Kindness Day. Shovel an elderly neighbor’s walk, pay someone a compliment, or even bake cookies for a friend or co-worker (or hard working columnist). In short, make the world a little better today by doing something kind.

February 18 is for all the wine lovers out there. Today is Drink Wine Day. Now most of us don’t need a special holiday to do this, but why not observe anyway? Invite friends over for supper and break out that more expensive bottle you’ve been saving for a special occasion. After all, it is the season.

February 19 is Chocolate Mint Day. For some reason the chocolate mint candies that restaurants often serve always seem fancy to me. Therefore, I think Chocolate Mint Day should be celebrated in style: wear a tuxedo while eating your favorite chocolate mint concoction. Trust me, it will be awesome!

February 20 Yes, Valentines Day is long over, but that doesn’t mean you can’t keep a little spice in your life. Today is Handcuff Day. On this day, I offer the following advice: fur lined is most comfortable, don’t close them too tight, and whatever you do, don’t lose the key. You don’t want to have to explain to your mother or best friend what happened, do you?

February 21 is Single Tasking Day. It’s a busy world out there, so take some time today to slow down and focus on only one thing at a time. Curl up on your couch with your favorite hot beverage, fire up Netflix and chill. Though I suppose technically that is sort of multi-tasking. Eh, I never was very good at this following instructions thing.

February 22 I don’t want to brag, but I think I might be the best at celebrating today’s holiday. It’s Be Humble Day! Observe this holiday by having a competition with your friends as to who can come up with the best way to celebrate. Or if you want to do something to benefit someone else, buy a Humble Bundle. All bundle proceeds go to charity.

February 23 is Curling is Cool Day. I know that most of you will think this is a big fat lie, and I admit on face value curling does look like a weird sport, but it actually has an interesting history. Curling can be traced back to the 1500’s in Scotland and in the mid 1800’s was demonstrated to Queen Victoria by the Earl of Mansfield. Curling is considered a sport of ettiquete. Opponents congratulate each other on good plays, and typically the winners by the losers a drink after.

February 24 is Inconvenience Yourself Day. I’m not entirely certain why you would go out of your way to celebrate today but, then again, doing so fulfills the obligation to observe. Take the slightly difficult road today. Hold a door open a little longer for the person who isn’t walking fast enough. Help a little old lady across the street. Get that item off the top shelf for a shorter spouse or roommate. Pretty soon it won’t seem so inconvenient after all.

February 25 encourages the young women in our lives with Introduce a Girl to Engineering Day. I am not the most mathematically inclined person (a slight understatement), but even I recognize how cool it is to be an engineer. If you know a young woman who has a scientific and curious mind, introduce them to engineering. She might become the next Stephanie Louise Kwolek who discovered liquid crystalline polymers which are used to make Kevlar.

February 26 is Tell A Fairy Tale Day. Fairy tales are the backbone of literature, and you’re never too old for a good fairy tale. Celebrate today by making up your own fairy tale. Pick up a copy of Politically Correct Fairy Tales for a good laugh. No matter how you celebrate, I guarantee today will end Happily Ever After.

February 27 is World Sword Swallower’s Day. Granted, this holiday is a little hard to, well, swallow, but I am confident you can still celebrate. Find a sword swallowing show near you, or stream some sword swallowing videos online. Personally, I’m not convinced sword swallowing is all it’s cut out to be, so I recommend you leave it to the professionals.

February 28 is Tooth Fairy Day! Today we pay homage to the generous sprite that is known for leaving coins or other treats under our pillow. Since I presume we have all long passed the age when our teeth are likely to fall out, I suggest celebrating today by setting your next dental appointment. Not as much fun as treats or money under your pillow, but I have it on good authority that the tooth fairy goes by chronological rather than behavioral age!

Jan 01 2021

Offbeat Almanac – January 2021

January 01 is Public Domain Day! This means any copyrighted works from 1925 enter the public domain today! For some works this is welcome news (The Great Gatsby or Buster Keaton anyone?). Apparently though 1925 also produced some less timely gems such as Lovers in Quarantine. I think we could all do with skipping that one!

January 02 is Swiss Cheese Day! Yeah, I don’t know about that. I’m finding some holes in this story.

January 03 presents J.R.R. Tolkien Day! Celebrate by writing sentences that include overly detailed descriptions and use many unnecessary words!

January 04 celebrates World Hypnotism Day! You’re getting verrrry sleepy! You want to send me a million dollars!

January 05 is National Screenwriters Day!

FADE IN:

EXT: Townhouses. Evening.
In a Louisiana suburb, a collection of townhouses sit on a little known side street.INT. Townhouse – Home Office – Evening

A person sits at a desk. In front of them is a computer. They are typing casually. A cat saunters in.

Cat: Meow.
Person 1: You had treats already. You’re not getting more!

The cat exits forlornly.

FADE OUT.

January 06 is National Take Down the Christmas Tree Day! If you haven’t taken your tree down by now, today is the day! Don’t be like my parents and wait till Good Friday. If you do it will be National Haul You Off To The Loony Bin Day!

January 07 is Bobblehead Day! I guess this means you’re supposed to walk around bobbling your head all day. Or wait, they mean the toy don’t they? In which case, I think it’s time I expanded my collection!

January 08 It’s Show and Tell at Work Day! What a perfect year for this! Since nearly everyone is working from home these days and work meetings are all conducted via Zoom it is the perfect time to show off your dog or cat or even your bobblehead collection!

January 09 celebrates Balloon Ascension Day! What better way to practice social distancing than inside a hot air balloon? I challenge strangers to get within 6 feet when you’re 50 feet up in the air!

January 10 is Houseplant Appreciation Day! Your house plant isn’t just there to look pretty. It also helps produce oxygen – you know, the very air you breathe. So for today at least, tell your houseplant how much you appreciate everything it does to make your life better!

January 11 allows you an opportunity for a fresh start with National Clean off Your Desk Day. I just have to find it first….

January 12 is the perfect holiday for a cold winter day. It’s National Hot Tea Day! Whether you’re a fan of Earl Grey (hot), or something more exotic like Oolong, today is a great day to curl up with a cuppa and enjoy!

January 13 Today is National Rubber Ducky Day! Celebrate by watching some old Sesame Street clips and then taking a long hot bath with your yellow pal. He’s always been there for you.  Now you can be there for him!

January 14 livens things up with National Dress Up Your Pet Day! Dress your dog in a pirates costume, or put your cat in a fancy dress! No matter your pet, get creative! For some fun pet silliness, check out the Cat Named Carot!

January 15 is National Hat Day! Whether you’re a hat aficionado or just someone who likes to occasionally toss on a baseball cap, today is your day! I say spice it up a bit by donning a tricorn hat, sticking a feather in it, and calling it macaroni. Oh wait, I think that’s been done. Never mind.

January 16 Today is Fig Newton Day! It is a little known fact that fig newtons are named such because it was actually a fig tree that Isaac Newton sat under first. Figs aren’t very heavy though so it’s fortunate he chose an apple tree. It is perhaps a lesser known fact that I completely made that up! No matter, if fig newtons are your thing, then today is your day!

January 17 is Popeye Day! Open a can of spinach, flex your muscles, and buy your best friend a hamburger! Or you know, you could just go to Popeye’s chicken… your choice.

January 18 is Thesaurus Day! This is amazing, outstanding, incredible, sensational, and downright glorious!

January 19 celebrates World Quark Day! Apparently this day commemorates a weird European cheese alternative. I don’t know about you, but that does not sound very gouda to me!

January 20 observes Penguin Appreciation Day! Do you know penguins sometimes wear glasses? It helps their ice-sight! Penguins are notoriously difficult to get along with though because they’re always fishing for compliments! Thank you, I’ll be here all month. Try the er, fish.

January 21 is International Sweatpants Day! Or as it’s known in my household “Thursday”. No matter how you celebrate, do it in comfort. Just be sure to tie the draw string as it isn’t International Moon your Friends Day!

January 22 is Blonde Brownie Day! Honestly, this smells a bit like discrimination to me. What about brunette and red headed brownies? I’m going to look into this just as soon as the oven timer goes off….

January 23 steps into Measure Your Feet Day! I tried it, and they’re about a foot long! Oh come on, don’t step on my toes. That joke was funny!

January 24 celebrates National Compliment Day! My, aren’t you looking lovely today, Mrs. Cleaver?

January 25 is Opposite Day! Whatever you do, don’t celebrate this day!

January 26 is Toad Hollow Day of Encouragement! I’m not sure why toads need encouragement but hey, I’m not one to judge. If you’re reading this and you’re a toad, well, you’re ahead of the game already! Go on and be the best darn toad you can be!

January 27 is Chocolate Cake Day! The best way to celebrate this day is to bake your favorite columnist a lovely, rich, and fluffy chocolate cake. Trust me, I’ll – I mean they – will thank you for it later!

January 28 It’s National Kazoo Day! What do you say when a kazoo sneezes? Kazoontite! Yeah, I’ll show myself out…

January 29 is Curmudgeons Day! Be the most curmudgeonly curmudgeon you can be by beating people with your cane or tripping them with your walker. Now pull up your pants and get off my lawn, you damned kids!

January 30 is Fruitcake Toss Day! Honestly, anyone who still has a fruitcake in their house at this point desperately needs this holiday. What are you waiting for? Get rid of that thing! You can order a new doorstop online!

January 31 is Gorilla Suit Day! I dare you to celebrate by putting on your best gorilla suit and wearing it to your next Zoom call! Trust me, your boss will love it!

Mar 31 2017

Offbeat Almanac – April 2017

April 1:  Of course we all know today as April Fools Day, but did you know it is also Edible Book Day?  No joke!  Personally, I prefer a more figurative approach to my book devouring but hey, if literal is your thing, then today is your day!  Though might I suggest you try a hearty bowl of alphabet soup instead?

April 2: It’s National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day!  Celebrate today by cracking open a fresh jar of your favorite peanut butter and making yourself a sandwich!  Think of all the childhood memories you’ll be reliving.  Or if you’re like me and can’t have peanuts, use your favorite peanut butter substitute.  Just make sure you cut off the crusts!

April 3: Today is Don’t Go To Work Unless It’s Fun Day!  I think the celebratory method is pretty self explanatory.  Your boss might try to argue with you, but you can simply show them this article and explain that it’s a recognized national holiday.  Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find something else soon….

April 4: I’m not sure any of us are going to want to observe today as it is World Rat Day.  I know some folks thing rats are an under appreciated animal but I have to admit, I’m not really one of them.  Nevertheless, if you are a rat lover, then today is your day.  Just don’t be too cheesy about it!

April 5:  Today we observe one of my favorite holidays with Deep Dish Pizza Day!  Who can resist a thick, crunchy, and fluffy crust topped with gooey mozzarella and pepperoni?  Celebrate today by supporting your favorite pizza place!  Order a half a dozen larges – after all you don’t want to be caught unawares if there’s a sudden pizza shortage!

April 6: It’s Teflon Day!  Don’t worry, it’s only one day and I don’t believe this holiday will really stick.

April 7:  Laundry piling up?  Dishwasher not loaded? Living room still not vacuumed?  Don’t stress as today is National No Housework Day!  Put your feet up and relax a little.  All the chores will still be there tomorrow.  (at which point maybe you can get someone else to do it for you!)

April 8:  Let the little kid in you roam free as today is Take Your Parents to the Playground Day!  Admittedly, if you’re like me and you’re in your 40’s with parents in their 80’s, this might look a little odd but are you really going to let that stop you?  I hear that merry go round calling your name!  Hopefully you won’t barf this time….

April 9:  I don’t want to alarm you but, today is National Chicken Little Awareness Day!  Don’t worry, I checked, the sky is still there.

April 10:  Today is National Sibling Day!  (Is not!) (Is too!)  (Is not!)  (Is too!)  (Moooom!)

April 11:  It’s National Be Kind to Lawyers Day! No really, you have to be nice to them today or they’ll sue.

April 12:  Today is one of my favorite holidays with Drop Everything and Read Day!  When your boss or spouse or significant other starts hassling you about spending the entire day reading, send them here.  These holidays are important after all!

April 13: Today is Scrabble Day! Be zealous, exultant, and exuberant in your celebrations!

April 14:  It’s Dictionary Day!  Use the day to brush up on some of those words you didn’t think of during Scrabble Day yesterday.

April 15:  Bet you can’t figure out what holiday today is!  Circus Day?  (Well, OK, yeah) Alien Appreciation Day?  (Nope!) Give up?  It’s Take a Wild Guess Day!  (See what I did there?)

April 16:  Today is an eggselent holiday with Eggs Benedict Day!  Coincidentally (or perhaps not so) it is also Easter.  Why not put your leftover Easter eggs to good use and make some Eggs Benedict out of them?

April 17:  Today is Blah Blah Blah Day!  Which I suspect is the noise you hear in your head as you’re reading this column….

April 18:  It’s Velociraptor Awareness Day, today!  Trust me, if I were to ever encounter a velociraptor you can be assured that I would be VERY aware of it!

April 19: We’ve celebrated this one in the past but I feel it is worth commemorating again:  it’s National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day!  Put on your favorite footies or your Wonder Woman sleeper and head to the office!  I’m sure your boss will understand.  After all, you and HR are old friends by now!

April 20: Today is Lima Bean Respect Day.  Let’s be honest, do any of us really think Lima beans deserve any respect?  Eat a green cupcake instead.  You’ll enjoy it more.

April 21: Is Tuna Rights Day!  Honestly, I think there’s something fishy about this holiday, but I cod be wrong.  I don’t wish tuna any eel will, however, so if it’s rights they want, it’s rights they shall have!

April 22: It’s National Day of Puppetry!  Even if you have to pull a few strings to do so, I’m certain you can find a way to celebrate today!  If not, I’m sure someone would be willing to lend you a hand!

April 23:  Today is English Language Day.  It also happens to to be Talk Like Shakespeare Day!  Celebrate by throwing out words like “forsooth” and “verfily” into your conversation.  Would the Bard steer you wrong?

April 24:  Get ready to ham it up as it’s National Pigs in a Blanket Day! First mentioned in 1957 in Betty Crocker’s Cooking for Kids, this fun little pastry is also known as devils on horseback.  Somehow that just doesn’t sound quite as appetizing!

April 25: It’s International Marconi Day!  Named after Guglielmo Marconi, the 1st Marquis of Marconi, who was the first person to send a wireless transmission across the Atlantic, International Marconi Day is a virtual gathering of radio aficionados who broadcast around the world using the same radio technology Marconi used.  Celebrate like it’s 1901 and join the festivities by tuning in!  Or you can just pretend you know what you’re talking about and wish everyone you see today Happy Marconi Day.  Your choice.

April 26:  Today is a sedimental holiday for some.  In fact, on a scale of 0 to 9.5 I’d say it’s a pretty solid 7 for most.  Celebrations may leave you quaking in your boots, but don’t be shaken, I know you’ll be back on solid footing soon.  It’s National Richter Scale Day!

April 27:  – — -.. .- -.– / .. … / — — .-. … . / -.-. — -.. . / -.. .- -.– # / -.. .- … …. / — ..-. ..-. / .- -. -.. / -.-. . .-.. . -… .-. .- – . / .- -.-. -.-. — .-. -.. .. -. –. .-.. -.– #

April 28:  Look!  It’s a bird!  It’s a plane!  No, it’s simply National Superhero Day.  Wear a cape and celebrate your favorite superhero today!  Unless your favorite is Wolverine in which case the whole Edward Scissorhands thing could get awkward when trying to greet your co-workers.  On second thought, celebrate on the down low today.  After all, you don’t want to give away your secret identity, do you?

April 29:  Today is Viral Video Day!  Whether you’re enthralled by the Ninja Cat or you’re angry at being Rick-Rolled, today is your day!  Sit back, relax, and YouTube all your favorite viral videos.  Just be careful and don’t let Charlie bite your finger ’cause ain’t nobody got time for that!

April 30:  Uh… What’s up, Doc?  It’s duck season!  No, it’s rabbit season!  Actually, it’s Bugs Bunny Day!  Queue up “What’s Opera, Doc?” or “The Rabbit of Seville” and relax!  Hopefully Elmer Fudd won’t find you, but if he does, just drop an ACME anvil on his head and continue your day.  Don’t worry, he’ll recover in time for his honeymoon with Bugs!

Aug 01 2015

Offbeat Almanac – August 2015

August 1 slides smoothly into a new month with National Raspberry Cream Pie Day.  I confess, I’m not entirely sold on the idea of Raspberry Cream pie, but I admit it does seem a solid use for the fruits of your labor!

August 2 finally gets away from anything fruit related with Ice Cream Sandwich Day.  Share one with your sister as it is also Sister’s Day.  I know you’re thinking this sounds like a great idea because it’s also Psychic Day!

August 3 is the perfect holiday for a hot summer day: National Watermelon Day! Watermelon is over 90 percent water making it an excellent cooling down food.  Plus it’s healthy and low calorie which allows a sweet taste that doesn’t go to the waist!

August 4 is a day for dog lovers: Assistance Dog Day.  My cat would like to know why there isn’t an Assistance Cat Day, but tell me honestly, when’s the last time you heard of a seeing eye cat?

August 5 has you stuffed from watermelon and junk food, but it’s still oppressively hot and humid.  Fear not, I’ve got you covered – sort of.  Strip down to your skivvies and proudly announce that you are celebrating Underwear Day!

August 6 continues the nudity trend with Wiggle Your Toes Day.  I think the perfect way to celebrate is to attend a JAWS on the Water event!

August 7 is a beacon of holidays with Lighthouse Day.  Fun fact: the world’s oldest lighthouse is in Spain.  What better reason do you need to plan that vacation?

August 8 gives you the perfect reason to finally clean your basement or attic: Garage Sale Day.  It’s also International Cat Day.  Honor your cat by finally getting rid of that painting of the dogs playing poker.

August 9 might be my favorite holiday next to Christmas: Book Lovers Day. Since it’s better to give than receive, you can celebrate by giving your favorite book lover (or columnist) a new book!

August 10 is Lazy Day. The perfect excuse to do nothing! If you must break it, I suggest you do so by celebrating S’mores Day!

August 11 reminds us that summer is starting to wind down with Play in The Sand Day.  Take a personal day, hit the beach and build a sand castle.  Fall is coming and you don’t want to to look back with regret!

August 12 gets a little retro with Vinyl Record Day.  Bust out the turntable and dust off your old LP’s!  Then bang your head against a wall when your kids ask you what those funny looking CD’s are!  It’s also Middle Child’s Day, but we don’t really need to worry about that.

August 13 happens to be one of my favorite holidays with International Lefthanders Day.  If like myself you’re left handed in a right handed world, don’t despair: some of the coolest people in history have been left handed such as Jimmy Hendrix, Jon Stewart and Richard Simmons.  Well OK, two out of three ain’t bad.

August 14 brings us back to food holidays with National Creamsicle Day.  Take an opportunity to relive your childhood and chase down the ice cream man.  Or if you prefer a more adult approach, mix orange soda and whipped cream flavored vodka.  And if you drink too many, you’re in perfect shape for Relaxation Day on August 15!

August 16 might be a day you want to sit out after the revelries of the 14th and 15th, but if you’re feeling up to it, go check out the Cyclone on Coney Island for Rollercoaster Day.  Just do yourself a favor and skip the pre-ride hot-dogs.

August 17 seems like it should be closer to Halloween with Black Cat Appreciation Day, but those in charge obviously aren’t reading Offbeat Almanac!  Even so, black cats have lower adoption rates, so consider taking one in.  Trust me, they’re not plotting to kill you – well, no more than any other cat.

August 18 is the perfect chance to show your affection with Bad Poetry Day.  Write some awful prose for your loved one (or your new black cat). Here’s a head start:  Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Some poems rhyme, This one doesn’t.

August 19 is one for the shutterbugs with Photography Day.  If you’re like me, you might try to use this as an excuse to convince your spouse to get you that new lens you’ve been coveting,  or maybe you’d like to see my 1500 cat photos?

August 20 is a holiday I would just as soon not think about: World Mosquito Day.  Sadly, I feel certain some mosquito out there is just dying to celebrate by having me as a snack!  I can hear him now inviting all his friends and family.  Who thinks of these days?!

August 21 caters to the sweet tooth again by celebrating National Spumoni Day. Spumoni is apparently a frozen desert that originated with the Italians.  In Canada, they celebrate this day on November 13.  I call it “Macy’s puts up their Christmas decorations day!”

August 22 reminds me of an old joke: two men are sitting on a bench, one comments “my wife is an angel.”  The other sighs and says “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”  Do a good deed today and honor Be An Angel Day.  Just don’t take it too literally.

August 23 is a holiday in which I’m certain calories don’t count:  National Sponge Cake Day.  With a dessert as light and fluffy as sponge cake, most of the calories are just floating around in the ether, right?  If you need full justification, tell yourself you’re honoring Queen Victoria.  Rumor is that spongecake slathered in jam was her favorite teatime snack.  Don’t you deserve to treat yourself like a queen?

August 24 marks the 9th anniversary of a very sad day in history: Pluto Demoted Day.  Didn’t we all grow up learning “My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas”?  All hope is not lost though as recent discoveries may vindicate us all.  If not, we will just have to write songs for our dwarf planet in honor of International Strange Music Day.

August 25 is Kiss and Make Up Day.  Sure, we both know that your partner was wrong, but on this one day maybe we can both overlook that and well, kiss and make up.  I’m certain they’ll be wrong again tomorrow.

August 26 proves that it’s true that every dog has his (or her) day.  It happens to be today!  I’m pretty certain this was included because August holds not one but two cat holidays, but hey we’ll throw ’em a bone anyway!

August 27 I’m fairly certain exists simply to fill a gap as it is literally Just Because Day.  In thinking about it though it’s the perfect day to do something random.  Send a friend a funny card.  Jump in a puddle.  Stand in the back of the elevator and sing Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of your lungs.  Just because.

August 28 seems like the sort of holiday made for nerds, but I beg to differ.  Bow Tie Day is actually the perfect day to tie on (or clip on) your best bow tie and show it off to the world.  It would be more perfect if it was Matt Smith’s (the Eleventh Doctor’s) birthday, but sadly that is October 28.  Even so, bow ties really are cool.

August 29 lures us back towards food with More Herbs, Less Salt Day.  Cutting one’s salt is almost always a good idea. For herbs, I recommend parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme.  I don’t have a cure though for the Scarborough Fair ear worm I just put in your head.  Sorry about that.

August 30 contains what I believe are two of the best holidays in existence:  Toasted Marshmallow Day and Slinky Day.  Just be sure not to toast your slinky, because I’m pretty sure that’s an environmental hazard!

August 31 wraps up the month of August and sadly, the summer, with National Eat Outside Day.  For those in cooler climates, the days are getting noticeably shorter, and there’s beginning to be a nip in the air.  You can help the mosquitoes celebrate too by being their last meal of the summer!

Jul 01 2015

The Offbeat Almanac – July 2015

Everyone is aware of the major holidays.  Sure, people observe things like Canada Day, the Fourth of July, Easter, Mother’s Day, etc.  What often goes unacknowledged, however, are the more unusual holidays.  When is the last time you observed Manatee Appreciation Day or Tolkien Reading Day, (March 25th) or even Elvis’ birthday (August 8th)?

Given that July has two of the aforementioned major holidays, it seems appropriate that it is also National Picnic Month, National Hot Dog Month, National Ice Cream Month and most importantly, National Anti-Boredom Month.

July 1 is Canada Day.  Oddly enough, National Poutine Day is April 11.  One would think that those in charge of these things would have planned better, but alas, no.  According to Ottawa Magazine, the best place to picnic in Canada’s capital city is Watson’s Mill.  Slightly off the beaten path, it provides a quiet spot to spread your blanket and enjoy your maple spread.  While there, perhaps you can take a couple of hours to pull out your tablet and stream any of the many movies with Ottawa’s beloved native son, Dan Ackroyd.

In addition to Canada Day, one should also be certain to observe International Joke Day with your favorite bad pun.  (What kind of flooring do lizards have?  Reptile!)

Moving on to July 2nd, we have World UFO Day.  I’ll pass on your regards to my favorite Martian.

July 3rd is a little less exciting with National Disobedience Day.  I demand that you refuse to celebrate this one.

This brings us to July 4th.  Of course, everyone recognizes this day as American Independence Day, but did you know that it’s also National BBQ Spareribs Day?  Sounds like the perfect meal while also celebrating National Hillbilly Day and National Country Music day!

If you’re not too exhausted after your Independence Day celebrations, you can celebrate National Apple Turnover day and National Graham Cracker Day on July 5th.  I don’t know how graham crackers and apple turnovers would taste together, but what better day to find out?  Just be careful how many you eat since it is also National Bikini Day!

July 6 happens to be one of my favorite days in the Offbeat Almanac as it is National Fried Chicken Day!  As with National Poutine Day, you would think those in charge of these things would have made it coincide with Colonel Sanders birthday (September 9), but unfortunately we were again not consulted on these matters.  No one is completely certain when the idea of frying chicken came about, but it is known that the Ancient Romans used to fry chicken with olive oil, fish sauce, and various herbs and spices.  Sounds delicious and the perfect dish to take along with you while you’re in the park still observing National Picnic Month!

July 7, marks both Chocolate Day and National Strawberry Sundae Day which seems fitting in a month that celebrates, in part, ice cream.  July 7 also marks the birthday of Otto Rohwedder, who invented sliced bread.  Which I suppose makes every July 7th since the best thing that’s happened since sliced bread!

July 8 has another of my favorite holidays:  Video Games Day.  If by this time you’re sick of the summer heat and humidity, then what better excuse to cancel all your plans and stay inside? While you’re playing, you can snack on a candy bar in honor of National Milk Chocolate with Almonds Day!  Or, if you prefer, you can queue up your favorite comedy on Netflix as a way to observe SCUD Day! (Savor the Comic, Unplug the Drama Day) Come to think of it, that sounds like a great way to celebrate nearly every day!

If you’re not a chocolate fan or your sweet tastes run of a simpler nature, then July 9th – National Sugar Cookie Day – is for you!  Give some to your favorite little kid, send them home to their parents and enjoy the show!  Don’t worry, you can thank me later.

On July 10, after you’ve binged on Netflix and played all your video games, you might feel a need to venture outside again.  What better day for that than Teddy Bear Picnic Day?  Grab your beloved teddy bear, pack a lunch, and embrace the day.  Don’t worry about getting strange looks. It’s also National Pina Colada Day so just raise your glass and smile!  Perhaps you’ll make a new friend in time for Cheer Up The Lonely Day on July 11!

Skipping ahead past World Population Day (July 11) and National Pecan Pie Day (July 12) to July 13 which has two holidays that go well together:  Embrace Your Geekiness Day and Barbershop Music Appreciation Day.  Let your geek flag fly and join a barbershop quartet!  Ask your new friend and your teddy bear to come along for support!

July 14 is most noted for Bastille Day, but did you also know that it’s Pandemonium Day and National Nude Day? You can celebrate by creating a little pandemonium streaking at a baseball game!

July 15 has three holidays that are especially important to animal lovers:  National Pet Fire Safety Day, National I Love Horses Day, and Cow Appreciation Day.  Go hug your cow or horse while checking their fire safety plan.  One can never be too careful!

July 16 is National Corn Fritters Day and Fresh Spinach Day.  While I’m all for corn fritters, I’d just as soon skip over the spinach!

Find some respite from the heavy foods and summer heat on July 17 with National Peach Ice Cream Day!  Sprinkle a little cinnamon on top and share it with your pet pig for Yellow Pig Day!

On July 18 get away from all the sweets with Caviar Day.  Sure it’s expensive and kind of gross, but never fear it’s also Toss Away the Should Haves and Could Haves Day!  So for one day kick back and live like one of the 1%!

July 19 tells us that having days dedicated to specific ice cream flavors isn’t good enough.  Thus we have National Ice Cream Day!  It’s also National Daiquiri Day so I suggest a little experimentation:  Daiquiri ice cream!

Next, we come to July 20 in which we have National Fortune Cookie Day and National Get Out of the Dog House Day.  Maybe you can take your spouse to their favorite Chinese restaurant as a token of goodwill.  Hopefully your fortune cookie will have some sage advice on how to fix whatever you did wrong!

July 21 kicks off National Junk Food Day.  Finally, a holiday that I can really get into!  Of course, this begs the question of what is junk food precisely?  Obviously it’s food that is considered bad for you but almost anything in excess is bad for you.  Just ask the guy in China whose eyes turned green after eating too many river snails! (Seriously, look it up!)

For me, celebrating National Junk Food Day is likely going to entail a juicy hot dog, some onion rings, maybe some chocolate, and then later that night, lots and lots of regret with a nice helping of heartburn!

July 22 was surely invented as the perfect follow up to National Junky Food Day, for today is Hammock Day!  What better excuse for resting off all the junk food you ate yesterday? Don’t forget your sunscreen of course, since it’s not National Lobster Day (June 15)!

July 23rd may seem repetitive in that it is Hot Dog Day, but who says we can’t spice it up a little?  Bratwursts are technically a hot dog, right?  So fire up the grill, relish in your favorite bratwurst, lay back in that hammock and ketchup on a good book!  (Get it?  Relish? Ketchup? Sorry I’ll save that for Tell an Old Joke Day on July 24.)

July 24 is a great day in a week that contains National Junk Food Day and that is Drive Thru Day!  It is also National Tequila Day and National Cousins Day so call your favorite cousin, confess your recent junk food binges, and drown your regret!

July 25 gets slightly away from the junk food theme with Culinarians Day.  You don’t need to be a chef or enjoy cooking to celebrate this day.  Go visit your folks (or parental figure) a day early for Parents Day, and enjoy their culinary skills.

July 26 in addition to being Parents Day also happens to be Aunt and Uncle day.  On top of that it happens to be National Bagelfest Day.  Celebrate by checking out that new bagel shop you’ve been wanting to try with Mom, Dad or one of their siblings.

July 27 will definitely be a fan favorite as it is National Scotch Day.  Some trivia:  under the Scotch Whiskey Regulations of 2009, scotch must be produced and distilled in Scotland, have a minimum alcohol by volume (ABV) of 40 percent (which means it’s 80 proof), and be aged at least three years in Scottish oak casks.  Wow, people take scotch seriously!  Just don’t imbibe too much or you may be faced with a police officer explaining to you that wearing pants is still required for Take Your Pants for a Walk Day!

July 28 offers the perfect follow up to the exercise and drinking you did yesterday with National Milk Chocolate Day.  Milk Chocolate is one of my favorites so I’ll be celebrating this day.  National Hamburger Day is also celebrated on this day, but I’m not sure how a hamburger made of milk chocolate would be so I suggest you don’t combine your festivities.

July 29 I predict is going to be another favorite for many:  National Lasagna Day.  I’m not a fan of lasagna myself so I won’t be marking this occasion, but it just so happens to also be National Chicken Wing Day which is a holiday I am absolutely in favor of!

July 30 presents an excellent way to wrap up a month of food with National Cheesecake Day.  Cheesecake is the one thing I’ve heard many people say they love almost more than they love their spouse or significant other.  In fact, if anyone has an amazing recipe for gluten-free cheesecake crust, my own husband might well love you forever!

July 31 ends the month on a slightly healthier note with National Raspberry Cake Day.  I think cheesecake counts as a cake, so celebrate by eating some of the leftovers from yesterday!

Nov 11 2014

Review: Where’d You Go, Bernadette?

Where’d You Go, Bernadette by Maria Semple centers around Bernadette Fox and her family over the course of several months.

Once a renowned architect, Bernadette now spends most of her time sitting in an Air Stream trailer parked in their backyard.  Bernadette’s husband, Elgin, is a high level executive at Microsoft, and her daughter Bee has just graduated from eighth grade at Galer, a prestigious local prep school.

Told in the first person perspective, the book opens with Bee asking her parents for a trip to Antartica as a graduation present.  For Bernadette, who is already reclusive and borderline agoraphobic, the idea of such a trip becomes the catalyst for an emotional breakdown.

Soon she is outsourcing the majority of her daily tasks to India and becomes engaged in an all out war with several of the mothers at her daughter’s school, who she refers to as “gnats”.

Where’d You Go, Bernadette? begins as a humorous and lighthearted tale.  Bernadette’s long and rambling emails to Manjula, the virtual personal assistant she has hired, give the reader hilarious insight into Bernadette’s inner workings.  Remarks that might otherwise seem mildly offensive come out of Bernadette with an unabashed matter of factness.  In the midst of the humor, however, Semple gives the reader tiny glimpses of an underlying darker storyline.

Bernadette’s marriage is in trouble.  Her husband Elgin takes the Microsoft bus to work every day so as to escape his wife an hour early.  Bernadette decries what she views as the Seattle chic while her husband thrives in the same environment.  Bee loves both her parents deeply but feels abandoned by her father due to his long working hours and is burdened by worry over her mother’s growing eccentricities.  Bernadette in turn has been worn down first by several miscarriages, then by worry over Bee’s childhood health issues, and now from the haunting of past failures.

Semple presents all these with humor and grace but does not fall into the trap of painting her characters without fault.  Bernadette thinks herself smarter than nearly everyone else and has come to the belief that all of life’s problems can be solved with money.  In the midst of this, Semple introduces a bevy of supporting characters such as Audrey, one of the Galer moms, Audrey’s son Kyle who is the school drug dealer, and Soo-Lin-Lee-Segal, Elgin’s assistant and possible lover.

Semple does a brilliant job of creating characters the reader is eager to hate but winds up feeling sympathetic towards.  Audrey is oblivious to her son’s extra curricular activities and is dealing with a crumbling marriage of her own.  Soo-Lin-Lee is a recent divorcee, newly single mother, and a charter member of Victims against Victimhood (VAV).

Often in novels, supporting characters fade too quickly into the background or fall into the trap of becoming cliched.  Semple, however, brings each of them to the foreground just often enough to be integral to the overall storyline but not so much as to interfere with the plot of the main characters.  In addition, Semple confronts the cliches head on and treats them with a humor that is almost surgical in its precision and delicacy.  Semple divides Where’d You Go, Bernadette? into seven parts.  Each part deals with a different aspect of the titular question, weaving it into a complex literal and metaphorical form.

Viewers of Mad About You or Arrested Development will already be familiar with Semple’s comedic style as she was a writer on both shows.  Readers who enjoyed Rob Reid’s Year Zero may also enjoy Where’d You Go, Bernadette?.  In both cases, the author draws heavily from significant personal experiences.  Reid drew from his career in the music industry, and as with Bernadette, Semple struggled with adapting in her move from Los Angeles to Seattle.

Each book shares the same sense of satire and the same poking fun at the “societal elite”.  In addition, Semple and Reid manage to avoid the bitter, angry tone that is so often infused into satire by injecting a healthy amount of self-deprecation.  Also the two novels combine a sizable chorus of characters into a single coherent storyline.

Year Zero though more of a sci-fi novel in the same vein as The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, reminded me of Where’d You Go, Bernadette due to similarities in humor style and the mixing of darker undertones.

As with Nick Carter in Year Zero, Bernadette finds herself caught in a series of events that spiral beyond her control almost before she is even aware of them transpiring.  Also, both Nick and Bernadette find themselves in situations where they must play victim to those they have previously victimized.  Finally, Bernadette like Nick, discovers that the secret to finding herself might mean placing herself in the middle of her deepest fears and insecurities.

I found Where’d You Go, Bernadette? to be a quick and easy read.  The light-hearted tone in the beginning sets the mood and remains upbeat despite more intense plot developments.  Semple’s primary strength is characterization.  She does an excellent job of taking characters that are otherwise unlikeable and making them likeable.  One element that was of particular interest to me was that despite Semple’s talent for and background in creating witty believable dialogue, Where’d You Go, Bernadette? is told from a first person narrative using emails, police reports, and other documentation.

Overall I found the characters fit into the storyline well and did not overly detract from the plot.  In the case of Kennedy (Bee’s best friend) and Kyle, however, it seemed that Semple built two characters and then lost track of what to do with them.  Kennedy, in particular, gave the impression of having a more significant role only to abruptly fade into the background.  Kyle, although important in terms of the impact his actions had on other characters, seemed to have no purpose other than to serve as filler in places where the plot began to slightly drag.  Finally, Semple’s ending was abrupt and did not fit well with the rest of the novel.

 

 

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